Just WHEN is the "right" time to "get back into it?"

Most couples wait for the magical six-week mark and are dreadfully disappointed when that incredible pre-birth love-making doesn't happen or measure up to expectations.

With the misunderstandings, miscommunication, fear and guilt surrounding intimate relationships and the new role of parenthood, most couples find themselves disconnected, angry and resentful in the bedroom.

How did the "six-week mark" come about? 

Most couples are advised that ‘bedroom relations’ can commence six weeks after birthing. 

Physically, this may hold true for the majority of women as at that time,  the uterus has shrunk back to its pre-pregnancy weight and size, with breastfeeding assisting in stimulating the hormones released around this function. 

The six-week checkup that most women attend with a midwife or a doctor, is to check that a woman's uterus has retracted, bleeding has stopped and tears or incisions have healed. Its rare that their psychological balance is investigated.

In these checkups, most women are simply asked if everything is 'back to normal' without their medical practitioner actually looking at them or physically checking.

Much more attention is given to discussing contraception rather than discussing concerns or worries about returning to an active romantic life.

Women are then declared to be medically are "fit" and ready to commence intimate relations. Ignored and unaddressed are the emotional and psychological changes that women have undergone occurred.

While many women feel empowered, other women are left feeling shocked and traumatised after birth. 

Additionally, a woman's role within the family structure will have changed from lover to mother and many couples find it difficult to accept that a woman can be both.

Why not just 'get on with it?'

Many women may also, for the first time in their adult lives, be out of the paid workforce, be more socially isolated than they have ever been and have doubts about their abilities to mother.

Research shows that women who have suffered physical trauma from birth are more likely to suffer from painful lovemaking in the months and sometimes years after birth.

Painful intimate relations or fear of this, is one of the main reasons women do not want to return to the bedroom.

The result of local and generalised pain, a lack of lubrication, no feeling or too much feeling, or badly repaired incisions and tears, the fear of pain can be just as traumatic as the birth and each time they enter the bedroom, flashbacks can inhibit even the most gentle or romantic scene.

Because  of the social stigma attached to open communication about birth, intimate relations and the changes a women undergoes, many women are ashamed of the changes in their vagina, labia and perineum.

Partners who have had little experience or exposure to the changes in a womans body after birthing can also add to this shame or disgust by voicing their concerns and comments.

Concerns vary from having been stitched too tight, having skin tags, scars, nerve damage or the  worry that they are not 'tight' like they used to be.

What is the answer?

New mothers need an opportunity to reconnect with themselves, come to terms with their new body and rediscover themselves as a sensual beings before venturing back into exploring intimacy and closeness with a partner and enjoying lovemaking as it used to be.

New Fathers also need the opportunity to reconnect with their partners, acknowledging that their bodies have changed and that the roles they play will be different.

The sensual and sexual nature of birth cannot be denied. It is this socially challenging connection which drives much of the fear, misunderstandings and guilt.

To position oneself for an easy transition back into an active lovemaking life, couples can begin with the weeks before and during birth by:

• Planning for an undisturbed birth.
• Choosing a location (preferably birth centre or home) where the birthing mother is comfortable and feels safe.
• Using a care provider (continuity of care with a midwife or support of a doula) who will support the decisions about birth that the couple have made.
• Exploring birth positions which work with gravity and not against it (i.e. not on your back)

These actions minimize the likelihood of an episiotomy and trauma to the vagina, labia, perineum and anus requiring stitches. 

An empowering birth puts a woman in the best position to deal with the rigours of motherhood and helps to cement a couple's relationship. If a woman doesn’t need to question her ability and capability within birth, she is less likely to question her abilities as a mother, drawing upon the same strengths and reserves she did whilst birthing.

Trust and safety are primal needs during birthing.

A woman needs to be shown that her partner can provide these things to her and is willing to continue giving them to her. Intimacy for a woman is to fully open to her partner, trusting that they will be held in a safe space.

If a woman has not experienced this with her partner, there will be a range of emotions surrounding the return to the bedroom from reluctance to aggression.

What else can we do?

Forget the six-week mark! Allow couples to decide when they are ready to re-engage in intercourse. Take things slowly. Rushing into lovemaking can be painful, uncomfortable and disastrous for a couple in both the short and long-term.

Be aware that pressure creates resentment and resentment fuels anger...and angry women do not desire to undertake lovemaking. 

Understand also that after birthing, women need even more time to relax and become aroused.

Keep communication open and honest. Speaking about your feelings is important. It is only through communication that women and men are able to let each other know of any new boundaries they have and to express their expectations.

Even a couple who have been together for many years, still need to communicate to ensure that they are on the same page.

Couples should never just 'assume' that their partner knows what they are feeling and thinking.

• Be creative: Explore other ways to be intimate.
• Be understanding: A lack of desire to make love is not a rejection! If physical closeness is important, kiss, hug, snuggle, massage and hold hands.
• Give time and space: Create time and space each day just for yourself (both women and men).
• Get sensual: Indulge in sensual activities (activities that stimulate touch, taste, smell, sight and sound) that help you reconnect with yourself or to rediscover a new you.
• Know yourself: Connect with yourself as a sensual being before attempting to touch another. Make this point to your partner and ask them for help in creating this 'me' time and space

The key to re - entering the bedroom is not to embark on a mission of romanticism but to focus on understanding, consistency and communication.

By keeping an open and honest communication link with your partner and taking things slowly -- and with little pressure -- it allow both people within the relationship to connect again with oneself as a sensual being, before attempting to touch each other.